i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
