Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
