how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
