Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
