maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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