K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I party with great urgency now.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
