fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
