Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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