i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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