Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
