anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
