If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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