I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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