life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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