if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
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1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
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I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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