so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
