Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
