I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
