i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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