I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
