I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
