Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
