I think my vagina is haunted
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
