You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
