I'm eating all of the evidence.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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