make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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