Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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