Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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