i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
