the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
the raccoons are back...
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