soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
