did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
