He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I can't turn off my feet"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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