Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
