For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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