I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
