I smell stomach acid.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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