i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
being pregnant is like rehab
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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