Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
