Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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