why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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