i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
