today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
