I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
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Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
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how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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