you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
