and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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