what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
