I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
