Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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