Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
