im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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