How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
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Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
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Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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