saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My bed smells like the plague
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