I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
