So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
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i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
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Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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