2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
