You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
